Thanks to @mikeypie12 (M) for this wonderfully witty piece!
I have been trying to work my way through the policies that have been put forward by the candidates for the Labour leadership. I’ve no doubt I would’ve achieved this much sooner if I had actually been able to find Yvette, and Liz’s… Not to mention that I have been distracted on multiple occasions by Alastair Campbell, John McTernan and other morally bankrupt figures who cropped up between 1997 and 2010, telling me that I shouldn’t vote for that bearded fella. However, I’m awaiting the intervention of Geoff Hoon before I make my final decision. No matter, a minor inconvenience.
Then there’s Andy from Liverpool. Andy differs from Yvette and Liz in that he has presented some policies. Although most of them appear to be a rehash of the last Conservative/Labour General Election manifesto (I’m assuming they were wrote by the same person) he has looked to appropriate some of the policies of the hated bearded fella. Fortunately however, he has managed to masquerade them in such an ambiguous political reworking that he won’t have to act upon them and thus be responsible for bringing forth the annihilation of the country and the Labour Party, which has been edging perilously towards the edge of a cliff with arms outstretched for a few weeks now.
Simon Danczuk has been in quite a state of distress since this recent flirtation with the ‘left.’ I have genuine sympathy for our Simon. Whilst standing as an MP for a socialist party, it must be a truly horrific ordeal to suddenly have one of your colleagues begin discussing concepts such as public-ownership and redistribution of wealth thrust upon you. Thankfully for Simon, all hope is not lost. He can always rely on John McTernan. John being a formidable Scottish Labour strategist who is responsible for such recent successes as the independence referendum, where it was determined that it would be a rather bright idea to fundamentally oppose a popular grass-roots movement by holding hands with the hated Conservative Party and Liberal Democrats in a rather unprecedented and negative campaign. Can’t imagine we’ll see anything like that again anytime soon… This subsequently lead in no small part towards 99% of Scottish Labour MP’s seeking alternative employment following this years General Election. Insert Iain Duncan Smith joke at your discretion. John McTernan despite all of this is absolutely resolute that the only way Labour will win elections is being right-wing. Seriously, let’s just pretend that trifling socially democratic SNP lot don’t exist. John continues to reaffirm his belief that the only reason Labour lost the election was through being too left-wing (!) or perhaps more pertinently, not being “Blairite.” We can all look forward to reinvading Iraq in the near future.
However, I digress. Andy fears that Labour risk becoming a party of protest. Some form of protest does tend to help towards having an actual ‘opposition.’ Rather than the current model of Labour opposition, which involves idly accepting the proposals of those in government without looking to as so much bat an eyelid – or in the case of some, appropriating the policies they should be opposing and using them as the reason they should be elected as leader of the opposition to well, ostensibly ‘oppose’ because any other kind of opposition will not be sufficient opposition at all, and we’ll end up with years of austerity, under a Tory banner rather than a Labour one.
I’m sure there’s some kind of logic in all of this, but it’s far beyond me to dig it out.
God forbid that bearded fella gets elected as Labour leader and the party starts to actually represent working people, y’know, the labour of the country. We’ll all be wishing we’d voted renowned suffragette and feminist Yvette. Although it must be pointed out she does find most of the feminist movement to be too extreme and would advocate a more conservative, patriarchal approach in the interests of gaining greater equality for women. We’ve no chance of ever getting back into power by electing that amiable bloke whose policies are actually quite popular with the electorate. Let’s do the sensible thing and go for the candidate who appeals purely to the mythical upper-middle class voter who is a member of the Conservative Party and whose family has voted Conservative since they defeated the Whigs once and for all in 1868. There’s more of them in this county than ordinary working people anyway.
Thanks to @mikeypie12 for this wonderfully witty piece!
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