TGIF: That was the week that was… #PigGate

By Political Sift reporter Poppy Gander

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Sunday
As Britons scraped their plates of dripping, The Daily Fail pumped the presses to dish the dirt on Dave. Revenge is best served cold. As cold as a hog’s head fresh out of storage.

Monday
The story of #Hammeron buried nuts deep in babe is likely a big, fat pork pie, but no denial from Number 10 was issued. Our esteemed leader has far too much dignity for that.

Nevertheless, the country lapped it up, riding bareback on the rind of a greasy #Gammeron. “Move over Ed Balls!” they squealed in delight. “It’s Porcine PunDay and we’re ‘avin it!”

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, Devilish Dave’s suicidal sidekick – Globetrotting gIdiot – was so sickened by the idea of good meat easily soiled, he decided to save scamps everywhere by scrapping their free school meals.

But that’s not where gIdiot’s good work ends. While single-handedly cutting kids’ calories, he was also cutting deals with China.

Osborne with friends
gIdiot’s early deal-cutting years

gIdiot’s second glorious brainwave is to send Bradwell-On-Sea up the swanny so the Chinese can throw up a nuclear power station.

His plan hit the rocks, however, when it transpired that no one had heard of Bradwell-on-sea. The Chinese have since urged gIdiot to relocate the reactor to Braintree.

China, famed for its high manufacturing standards and use of quality materials, is said to be as delighted as pigs in space. But, according to a secret document uncovered by Channel Fork, the shit may yet hit the fan.

gIdiot hopes to rename the Essex town, giving it a monika more befitting of its new, “glowing” image. Most bookies back ‘Braindead’, with Paddy Power picking ‘Brainpower’, which is also Osborne’s personal weakness.

Those names, however, could leave the former Communists out in the cold. The super power’s preference is Bei-bling which, they say, would forever bind their capital with the spirit of Essex – “two jewels in a perfectly vajazzled crown”, according to the brochure.

Essex residents are said to be unconcerned. Joey Sussex from Southend, spouted: “Making electrickery will suit them better. Have you seen the quality of their pleather!”

Chelsea Chablis, from Cheltenham, commented: “China? Is that in Cornwall? I ‘eard they don’t know how to use escalators there.”

Chinese approach escalators with caution following deaths due to collapse
Chinese approach escalators with caution following deaths due to collapse

Quite what Essex has done to deserve this good fortune remains a mystery, but City analysts say it is linked to 2015 being the Chinese Year of the Sheep.

Tuesday
Still high on crackling, nothing much happened Tuesday.

But, as the day wore on and the slurry washed over the PM like plum sauce off a Peking duck’s back, a deep low swept the nation.

The collective mood finally hit rock bottom when it became clear that PMQs was off the menu.

Wednesday
To add insult to injury, on Wednesday Corbyn claimed he couldn’t care less about Cameron’s cock ups, bringing #piggate to a close.

John McTerncoat stated that Corbyn was shutting out public debate in typical Trotsky style. There were shouts of #JezWeCan! as Turdoch readers took to Twitter.

Corbyn’s revolutionary act led to further dire warnings from The Torygraph that stated his ill-conceived move to avoid personal slurs (which has its roots in fascist Communism) will inevitably pave the way to bloody Civil War.

This was backed up by a poll that shows Corbyn has no back up. Published in the Blue Hatesman, the data reveals that those who are unlikely to vote for Corbyn are, at this present time, unlikely to vote for Corbyn. It was also shown that they are unlikely to vote for him before 2020.

This final blow to the Labour leader was softened only by the soothing hand of a hedge fund fanatic. All hail the Corby-Marshall Plan for People’s QE! It was a bitter pill for Labour to swallow, but at least it helped to turn a much-needed profit at $750 a pop.

Thursday
Lord knows, the world needs more men like Martin Shkreli! Who else will inject a life-saving shot of super-charged Neoliberalism into the withered arm of the global markets? It’s said that the Shanghai will need another emergency dose, as 2% of it dropped off in one night.

On Thursday evening we heard the genuinely sad news that hundreds had been killed and injured as they made their annual pilgrimage to Islam’s holiest city.

Informed of the tragic deaths in Mecca, Prime Minister Cameron, said: “It’s a terrible sign of things to come. The British people are no longer safe to go out and play their beloved peasant games.

“This is what happens to your security when you vote for a Marxist in hand-sewn sheep’s clothing. We must now join together as One Nation. We will not gamble with lives, but we will continue to gamble to save lives.”

Iain Duncan Smith, who put in a brief appearance this week following a stint nursing Michael Gove’s broken ego, said he was delighted the PM had finally endorsed his reconfigured welfare system. He declared: “It’s Man Alive in David’s Den and that’s one in Kelly’s Eye for Dirty Gertie!”

Friday
As the nation awoke, it became clear that cutting-edge software installed in Piotr Mandelson had failed to reduce his toxic emissions.

The Germans said they were not responsible for the system breakdown and layed the blame squarely at the brogues of Nigel Barrage who had been spotted sporting a sandwich board shouting ‘I want my country back!’

Citizens were advised to lock up their Porsches and stay indoors as a precautionary measure…

martin-shkreli
Government advice: ‘Make like Martin”

About the author: Poppy Gander

PoppyGanderFollowing a long career as a microphone technician, which came to an abrupt end in 2010 thanks to a bigot, Poppy Gander went on to report for a range of specialist publications including the Dayak Times, X-Rayted and Womb Week.

Poppy does not work on the weekends, unlike doctors, nurses, physiotherapists, radiographers, midwives and pharmacists who work seven days a week. Sorry, but you’ll just have to read the news yourself for the next two days.

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